Nonfiction, History: Luminary

[silverflight8]

Story prompt: Luminary
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Whenever I sat in history class, I never failed to begin imagining what the teacher was saying into a novel. The Middle Ages, for instance: following a young boy of very poor farmer, raised as an impoverished boy, living as an impoverished man, and dying as an impoverished farmer. Maybe along the way, though, he would bump into a famous man—perhaps impress a high lord of some sort, win favour, maybe, and rise out of his class. Then the teacher would announce that most revolutions come from the top down, because without the knowledge that there’s something better out there, why would you care? and I would realize that the saga of Medieval period boys rising to the rank of king or leading a rebellion was hopeless.

Or maybe, in the middle of learning about King Louis XIV’s extravagant lifestyle, the images of a corresponding court in England, in Scotland, Russia, Italy, Prussia would emerge. The cold stone halls with fluttering tapestries, or the scheming politicians, heads bent together, plotting to depose one king or another. A quick glimpse of military with feathers and cavalry, poised before their monarch.

The myths were even better; I imagined the sea that eventually swallowed up Atlantis, saw Odysseus’s ship plunge and rise on the stormy water, and envisioned Arthur and his knights riding across the greensward. Sometimes these were just snippets, an image. Others would begin to expand into stories.

But it was the Enlightenment that was the most interesting. A bunch of men sitting in smoke-filled salons, arguing heatedly over the big philosophical questions of what’s the meaning of life? What is our basic nature? And those arguments sparking the explosions—literally—of Revolutions: what a mob there must have been, marching down to the Bastille! Imagine the fervent patriotism that some of the early American revolutionists must have felt. Or the fear that gripped the royalty in other nations, praying that their own people would not rebel. Voltaire, Rousseau and other philosophers influenced the revolutions, said my teachers, and I saw a flickering candle and a hand penning the manuscript that would touch off the eventual call for liberty, equality and fraternity!

Even though I know that these were romanticized, those images were so vivid, so real. Don’t ever let them tell you that history is dull.

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Note: I think I veered off the exact definition of what luminary is, but I liked the idea of illumination and light that was associated with the word. Hope you liked it.

Comments

Edit: Part One

[vyvyan-wilde.livejournal.com]

Hello, I'm you editor for week one. I enjoyed reading and editing your piece and I hope you find the feedback helpful. My suggestions and comments are below.

"Whenever I sat in history class, I never failed to begin imagining what the teacher was saying into a novel."
-This line is a bit awkward, especially as an opener. It contains a lot of information, and think it would be smoother if split and simplified. Here's an example of how it might be changed: "Whenever I sat in history class, it never failed to spark my imagination. The lectures the teacher gave prompted me to envision those historic events in the form of novels."

"The Middle Ages, for instance: following a young boy of very poor farmer, raised as an impoverished boy, living as an impoverished man, and dying as an impoverished farmer."
-It's not quite clear here what you're trying to say. I don't understand what you mean by "following"– is it saying that they, in the class, were learning about the lives of ordinary peasants? If so, I think it should be stated that way, or otherwise altered so the meaning is more obvious.

"Maybe along the way, though, he would bump into a famous man—perhaps impress a high lord of some sort, win favour, maybe, and rise out of his class."
-By "maybe", is it meant that the narrator, in their imagination, has imagined the peasant deviating from a normal life (living poor, dying poor) and having a different fate (a good basis for a novel)? Or is this still the class discussing what might happen if a peasant pleased a lord? Again, this should be clarified.
-You used a dash after "man", so you need another one after "sort" since "perhaps impress a high lord of some sort" is being singled out (called a parenthetical thought, I think).
-Since you used "maybe" already in the sentence, as well as "perhaps", the "maybe" after "favor" isn't really needed.

"Then the teacher would announce that most revolutions come from the top down, because without the knowledge that there’s something better out there, why would you care? and I would realize that the saga of Medieval period boys rising to the rank of king or leading a rebellion was hopeless."
-The quote in italics isn't needed there. This sentence is also quite long and might be better split up. An example of how it might be done: "Then the teacher would announce that most revolutions come from the top down because without the knowledge that there’s something better out there, why would you care? This made me realize..."
-"Medieval" does not need to be capitalized in the middle of the sentence.
-I recommend changing either the word "saga" or the word "hopeless": A saga itself can't be hopeless (unless one is insinuating it's badly written or something like that). I think you have to choose whether you mean that a saga of a boy in the middle ages becoming king would have been unrealistic in real life (in which case, change the word to "unrealistic" or something similar), or if you mean a poor boy's life at the time was hopeless (in which case, change the word "saga" to "possibility" or something similar).

"Or maybe, in the middle of learning about King Louis XIV’s extravagant lifestyle, the images of a corresponding court in England, in Scotland, Russia, Italy, Prussia would emerge."
-"In the middle" suggests a sense of abruptness which I don't think is appropriate here. The word "while" would fit better.
-Being that I don't really know what a corresponding court is, I can't be sure, but I think it should be "corresponding courts."
-"...in England, in Scotland, Russia, Italy, and Prussia..."
-Also, this sentence strikes me (as best I can put it) as a little impersonal. It would benefit from the addition of pronouns or possessives like so (as examples): "...I would imagine the images of a corresponding court in England, in Scotland, Russia, Italy, and Prussia." OR "...the images of a corresponding court in England, in Scotland, Russia, Italy, Prussia would emerge in my mind".

Re: Edit: Part Two

[vyvyan-wilde.livejournal.com]

"The cold stone halls with fluttering tapestries, or the scheming politicians, heads bent together, plotting to depose one king or another."
-This is a sentence fragment; either add something like "I saw" at the beginning or use a colon, rather than a period, after the previous sentence.

"A quick glimpse of military with feathers and cavalry, poised before their monarch."
-Another sentence fragment.
-There should be a "the" before "military."
-"Military" could be specified (like stating which branch of the military it is) since the cavalry is also part of the military (if I'm not mistaken).

"The myths were even better; I imagined the sea that eventually swallowed up Atlantis, saw Odysseus’s ship plunge and rise on the stormy water, and envisioned Arthur and his knights riding across the greensward."
-This is a lovely line– it's excellently described and makes me shiver with excitement at the amazing arc of history.

"But it was the Enlightenment that was the most interesting."
-Again, another line that I feel is a bit impersonal; you might want to think about adding "to me" at the end or another reference to the narrator.

"A bunch of men sitting in smoke-filled salons, arguing heatedly over the big philosophical questions of what’s the meaning of life? What is our basic nature?
-I would strike "a bunch" and replace it with something else because it makes the sentence seem less serious. It almost seems like you would be leading up to saying something bad about the period ("A bunch of men sitting in smoke-filled salons... bah, the Age of Reason was much better.") which conflicts with the way you praised it in the previous sentence.
-Instead of "questions of", I suggest changing it to "questions such as" which again makes it seem sore serious.

"And those arguments sparking the explosions—literally—of Revolutions: what a mob there must have been, marching down to the Bastille!"
-I like this transition– from thought to action, from ideas to reality! Nicely done.
-Just two small things: "Revolution" shouldn't be capitalized there.
-And "what" should be capitalized, because what follows after "revolution" is a full sentence. (Though, according to Wikipedia, not all manuals require this unless there are two or more full sentences after the colon, not just one.)

"Voltaire, Rousseau and other philosophers influenced the revolutions, said my teachers"
-You referred twice to the teacher as being singular, and yet here it's plural. So, in the interest of continuity, it should be only "teacher" or "teachers" throughout the piece.

"Even though I know that these were romanticized, those images were so vivid, so real."
-Since, in the first part of the sentence, you're referring to the images, you should use "they" instead of "these".



I think what this piece could benefit from is just a few more readings so you can further refine it. You have an interesting and engaging subject here which is the most important, but, like any gem, the writing needs to be polished to be its best. (Sorry if that was a bit corny.) I know I pointed out a lot, but don't think that means I didn't think it was good. In fact, I liked it very much. I just think it could do with a bit of tweaking in places to really make it shine.

What I enjoyed most about this story was the beautiful way you describe history. Those lines really jumped off the page for me; I think its wonderful how you captured the richness of these events. Some could be fooled into thinking history is just line after boring line in textbooks (I admit, from time to time I can feel that way), but a story like this could make a believer out of the most stubborn of them. It really brings those people and places to life.

Again, I hope this edit was helpful to you. Please let me know if you have any comments or questions about it.

Re: Edit: Part Two

[silverflight8.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the edits; I really appreciate you taking the time. Good luck in the next poll!